The Republican National Frat Party came to a conclusion last night while I was watching online videos of dogs jumping on trampolines. We got rid of the television in the Fortified Mountain Compound right around the time when the major cable media outlets all started looking like Fox News.
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I’d like to take a moment to bask in nostalgia. It was just a little over two years ago, in the heady days of the do-nothing Republican Congress, and when the President’s approval ratings were several points higher than Nixon’s corpse, that Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska stepped onto the floor of the Senate Commerce committee chambers to inform America that, “The Internet is not just something that you dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s series of tubes.”
Thank you, Senator. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
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Next on the Timothy Jordan Show, essential functions.
It’s just another Friday around the studio, which these days means that people are missing from the show, others are overworked, and I have forgotten to put a “leaving the house” pair of pants.
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As a tribute to the continued support of our listeners, on this program we like to give a little back to the community every now and then. We are all about providing timely and useful information.
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It has recently come to my attention that people actually listen to this program. What, are you crazy? All this time I thought that we were just talking into microphones for the hell of it. Now I find out that we’re actually being broadcast to a potential audience of millions?
Wild.
As listeners may have surmised the mysterious disappearance of the News Segment was due to a deep and inescapable need for my staff and I to follow the Clinton campaign through its death throes and broadcast subliminal messages into Hillary’s hotel rooms each night.
S’hot out there. Hot. So.
Early season heat? Delayed from before normal? Whooph. Tired, body s’hot. Monkey underpants pillow? Two museum flicker a colon mask. Brain. Water dish taken by the chickens.
Did you just say eggplant?
There’s little progress to report today. Ongoing plans to take over the world remain stalled. It’s been one of those weeks where you’re waiting to take a step forward, but keep placing one foot behind the other.
For those of you out there familiar with Astrology, everybody was excited for a time about the Age of Aquarius. There’s been a great deal of debate among people who care about Astrology about whether the Age of Aquarius has begun, is about to begin, or began upwards of 500 years ago.
I’d like to offer an alternative theory: Astrology is crap.
There’s a powerful drug available on the open market. Initially it’s a stimulant, a tiny little sniff of its green leaves enough to throw its users into a wild, uninhibited frenzy. This is often followed by extreme lethargy, drooling, and unconsciousness.