March 28th, 2008
Things finally settled down at the Fortified Mountain Compound this afternoon. It’s been a rough week for the Radio crew. The coffee does nothing anymore.
All of us were already busy enough with our regular jobs and preparing for this evening’s show without the interruption caused by a freak collision of global warming and the global war on terror.
Yes, you guessed it, we’ve been stuck with an unexpected infestation of vampire pumpkins. Not as well-known as the vampire squid, vampire bat, or vampire moth, the vampire pumpkin is just as real as any other piece of gypsy folklore.
The source of the infestation wasn’t hard to trace. Some five months ago I pulled off what will always be known as The Great Pumpkin Caper, wherein Timothy’s bedroom was filled to a chest height with pumpkins. According to the gypsies, any pumpkin or watermelon kept for more than ten days is at risk of becoming a vampire. Likewise, any pumpkin or watermelon kept after Christmas, when the traditional pumpkin-tossing season ends, or generally inanimate objects left out overnight under the cold rays of the full moon.
By keeping a large collection of pumpkins for more than ten days after Christmas and through several full moons we were virtually guaranteed to see the spontaneous vampirification of our gourds.
Oddly enough, it’s the President’s diction that’s most to blame. Our regular gardener, Terry, has refused to go outdoors since he heard the President declare a Global War on Terror. We’ve tried to reassure him that the President is an inarticulate fool, but Terry’s not convinced. The risk of someone in the CIA acting on what he hears the President saying is just too great for Terry, and so the garden, and that pile of pumpkins have been left to do their own thing while the Global War on Terror rages on.
The worst thing about having a bunch of vampire pumpkins around is the growling. They’re always rolling around and growling. At first it’s a little scary having a red-splotched pumpkin roll up to your leg and growl. They’re cold, and hard, and a little slimy from being outside for so long. And did I mention that they growl?
Fortunately that’s just about all they can do. Have you ever seen a pumpkin with teeth? Other than a jack-o-lantern? Those don’t count, obviously. I didn’t think so. If you cut into a pumpkin and give it teeth it’s going to rot long before the trifecta of keeping it for more than ten days after Christmas and outside under the full moon comes to pass.
No, the worst that a vampire pumpkin can do is annoy the hell out of you. I suppose that one could roll its way onto a high staircase and fall down on someone’s head. If a whole patch of them turned vampire and someone wandered into the vines and went to sleep, the vampire pumpkins could wrap their vines around that person and get them muddy. That’d suck.
But not blood. Never blood for them. Those poor pumpkins. You know, vampire peas can hinge their pods open and deliver a nasty hickey. Vampire pumpkins can’t even do that. They just roll around and growl, unable to satisfy their preternatural lust for blood.
Speaking of things preternatural, it’s time now for the Timothy Jordan Show News on this 28th of March, Ought-Eight.
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I said preternatural just now when I should have prescient, unfortunately prescient.
Last week I mentioned during the News Segment that the Mahdi Army was just one order away from breaking loose from its self-imposed cease fire and bringing violence in Iraq back to pre-surge levels. It looks as if that prediction has come painfully into fruition.
Like most everyone else, I expected that the order to resume paramilitary operations would be issued by Muqtada al-Sadr or one of his lieutenants. The organization was instead brought back to a war footing by an act of deliberate provocation by the Iraqi government.
What began as an Iraqi government operation to disarm members of the Mahdi Army paramilitary force in Basra has sparked fighting between Shiite factions all throughout Iraq, and drawn the U.S. military into open conflict with Mahdi Army forces in both Basra and Baghdad .
Speaking at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base yesterday, the President said that, “This offensive builds on the security gains of the surge, and demonstrates to the Iraqi people that their government is committed to protecting them.”
Many Iraqis draw a different conclusion from Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki’s decision to attack one of his political rivals. A high-ranking member of the Mahdi Army in Basra told London’s Guardian newspaper that, “They are a executing a very well drawn plan. They are trying to exterminate the Sadrists and cut and isolate the movement before the September local elections”
Mailki’s government was elected in 2005 based upon the support of several Shiite political organizations, several of them lead by or allied with al-Sadr. Those parties have since withdrawn from Maliki’s ruling coalition, threatening his hold on the government. Marginalizing, or killing off, Sadr’s supporters before the fall elections would go a long way towards cementing PM Maliki’s power base in the years to come.
A failure in Basra, on the other hand, would seriously threaten the overall credibility of the Iraqi government. It’s not looking good for them at the moment. Not only has the government offensive stalled, but Maliki resorted to extending a deadline for militia members to hand over their weapons.
Likely because none of them are handing over weapons. Quite the opposite, apparently. Reports out of Baghdad indicate that the Mahdi Army regularly launching rockets into the U.S. Green Zone and Iraqi government offices.
The failure of Maliki’s attempt to catch Sadr’s forces off-guard has drawn the U.S. military into the fight, effectively forcing us to take sides in another Iraqi Civil War. President Bush called it a “defining moment in the history of a free Iraq”, earlier today.
I wonder about the meaning of that definition.
Yes, one faction of Shiites in open warfare with another faction of Shiites, both of which are represented by official members of the government, is certainly a defining moment. We on the News Staff remain far less optimistic than our President about the meaning of that definition.
• Mr. Bush, speaking at Wright-Patterson AFB
• Guardian, We’re fighting for survival, says Mahdi army commander
• Mr. Bush, “this is a defining moment…”
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Why is it going so poorly for the Iraqi Army? It’s not hard to figure out.
Our own military has been spending billions of dollars trying to retool its weapons to a more fluid and changing insurgent environment they face in Iraq and Afghanistan. Big, heavy tanks and armored personnel carriers made to fight the Red Army, or U.S. Army, in the plains of East Germany don’t really work in a war where a few dozen guys with RPGs can shut down a neighborhood.
They’ve been working for the last decade to reconfigure a large portion of the U.S. Army to use lighter, smaller, and more nimble vehicles to fight a more modern, unconventional war.
But they bought thousands of the big, heavy, and old vehicles that aren’t any good anymore. Unless, of course, if you happen to be a new, client army operating on the cheap. These days, the newly refurbishing Iraqi Army happens to fit that bill, and they’re getting the opportunity, thanks to the beneficence of their friendly American overlords, to buy used American hardware, at discount refurbished U.S. taxpayer prices.
The word, via the New York Times is that the surplus, used, Iraqi equipment is simply too big to fit down narrow Iraqi streets.
After being rebuilt in the image of the pre-invasion U.S. Army, the Iraqi Army is suffering from the same failings.
• NYT, Iraqi Army’s Assault on Militias in Basra Stalls
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But who’s suffering most of all? Vice President Cheney knows, and he’s not afraid of sharing that knowledge.
After most recently stealing into Iraq like a thief, the Vice President was able to assess who’s bearing the worst burden of the Iraq debacle. Was is the families of over 4,000 American military personnel killed? Was it the Iraqi survivors of the war? The reporters that have been killed? The former victims of Saddam Hussein’s government? The detainees being tortured in U.S. prisons overseas?
No, there’s some else suffering under a heavier burden. In an interview with ABC News on Monday, the Vice President told viewers that, “The President carries the biggest burden, obviously.”
Obviously.
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Sixteen thousand square kilometers of Antarctic ice shelf is about to collapse, but no new environmental regulations are needed, obviously.
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Less obvious is excellence. Actually, no. The best excellence is obvious.
Powdered pig bladders are excellent, obviously, right?. Wait, they aren’t? What if I told you that they can do amazing things?
Dr. Steven Badylak, this week’s winner of the Award of Excellence, has found a way to make powdered pig bladders excellent.
Editor’s Note: Beatings will be issued promptly as the News Staff failed to submit full copy for the News segment.